Like every other human being, life so far assisted me in collecting a good number of heartbreaks which led to several wounds being brought forward to the present tense, and obviously being an empath did not help the situation…
Brought up by a submissive mother, and a somewhat selfish father, both deeply brainwashed by the matrix, did not prepare me well enough to understand that life is not fair in the first place.
I recall my teenage days, I was a very good academic, always fighting for the top spot in class, well mannered and of exemplary behaviour, but obviously coming to the expense of being bullied and therefore impacting my self esteem in general. This led for me to being shy, and really unlucky with the girls. These traits were obviously coming from my mother’s side.
This made me seek “opportunities” to “fit in”, starting off from smoking and binge drinking in weekends, which then led to smoking marijuana… in the meantime grades going down, up until the game stepped up to designer drugs such as Ecstacy and Cocaine… leading to dropping out of school completely, and becoming a rebel.
In the meantime, my parents started the downfall, my mother got fed up having to put up with my father’s possessive and narcissistic behaviour, and he became agressive and putting blame on everyone apart himself, and obviously being the eldest I was the primary target.
I remember clearly when he said that I was the one to blame for everything, since I was conceived as a mistake, and since he comes from a religious conservative family, he had to marry my mother in a few months against all odds.
Little did I know that this limited me emotionally, since I was carrying a wound that was not mine in the first place.
After some time, there came the first relationship, after a night binge I met this girl which in some way we connected. Excitement and all, it was magical… something new, now having a partner, sleeping together and exploring sex… in my little world I was settling.
After 2 years, my world tore apart… I discovered that she cheated on me with my best friend, and I really couldn’t accept this. I became depressed, in some cases borderline and doing stupid things such as driving under the influence, and begging her to come back. A part of me got lost, and my trust in love would never be the same again (or so I thought).
After the breakup, spent some time partying, and going crazier than before, I started meeting the girl with who I would spend 9 years of my life. In my world, she was the most beautiful girl ever, I went to lengths to win over her heart, she deserved my all, so I gave it another chance at “love”.
It started off as a fairytale, sweeping my wounds under the carpet, I wanted this to work out with all my heart, this was it – the love of my life! I ignored all the red flags, little did I notice that she craved attention all the time… in the end she was a singer, actress and performer, so attention was part of her thing, so although I was a bit jealous (past trauma), I did my best to suppress my wounds.
Eventually, we combined my drive in business with her talents, and we started a very succesful entertainment company. This put her under the limelight within the entertainment industry, and she got offered a part in a local TV Drama, something that did not really sink well with me (wound). This led me to make her promise not to do any kissing scenes on TV since I didn’t want that, which she accepted!
Not supporting the idea (selfish), I never followed the program or supported her in any way, to the contrary the chemistry we had started depleting, until that crucial day when I got to know that she did a full on sex scene, underwear and all! Watching the scene broke me in so many bits, that I ended up going to my “safe place” and drinking everday for a couple of weeks. This time, in my own bubble, the “cheating” was visual, recorded, and could play it again and again… my heart started turning numb…
At that point, I made the biggest mistake of my life! Instead of respecting myself and walking away from the table, I thought I gave her a choice between me and participating in TV drama. Half hearted, she “chose me”, so at that point we had a narcissist (myself), and an ego-centric submissive… practically a time bomb ready to explode! Today, I understood that I started to become my father!
Time passed, the business flourished, money poured in… we bought real estate! We were becoming quite wealthy for our age, but the relationship continued to fall apart, and the only thing that held us together was the business and our assets.
Sooner or later it had to happen, and she went against our promise not to involve herself in TV, and this time, most probably as a sign of revenge, she accepted the part of a courtesan/prostitute, where from the very first episode of the series she started with the kissing and sex. Once I got to know, not only was my heart broken, but this time the situation broke me mentally, emotionally and physically… full on clinical depression, which cutting long story short led us to end the relationship.
I was at rock bottom, could not have a stable emotional state… in one second I am smiling, the next I am crying in desperation… I am sure that if it was not for Pexixu, still a kitten at that time, I would have done something stupid.
If this was not enough, we still had to split our assets, and ended up in a court case where I had to face my 9 year “love”, assisted by a heartless lady lawyer, trying to bring me down to my knees, a process which is still ongoing to date…
Since this break up, still with the limitation of the ongoing court proceedings, I dated a number of women with different characters, traits and social cases, and to be fair this time round I was (over) attentive to the red flags (wounds). Unfortunately, society nowadays is so broken, that relationships are not based on love, affection and support, but rather on trying to fill in each other’s void… and at some point I decided to close my heart, and stay on my own having an occasional emotionless affair, usually leaving me with a void in my heart, and makes me wonder why I do it in the first place!
Once upon a time, the unexpected happened, and the universe led me to an extremely beautiful lady who is quite unique, having a past working in the adult entertainment industry, and still making a living through softer channels. Basically, in my case this should have been the epitome of RED FLAGS!
But for some reason, I decided I had nothing to lose, and to meet her with an open heart! Difficult to express in words, but most probably she is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met in all the duration of my life! She loves animals with a passion, cares for the environment, well mannered and she speaks her heart… having gone through a lot herself, she doesn’t sugarcoat words and is not hesitant to state her feelings.
Apart from that, I believe that in some way she opened her heart to me too, and even though we both had intense sexual attraction towards each other, it was beyond that… it was a magical connection of the soul!
…so after working on myself for the past years now, I decided to leave my heart open for whatever the universe holds for me… I am now in a position to know what is my value, and what I deserve, but if I don’t give a chance and allow the flow of “love”, most probably I will be missing out on the most beautiful experiences of my life!
Also, I promised myself that even if eventually I do find the “perfect love”, I would still leave the person with no pressure and to her own freewill, since I believe that if it is meant to be, the universe will open the path, and find the way to make it happen!
With LOVE,
CB
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